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Meditation Diary...

01:42 25/05/2012 Thursday night...

Another token sit.


08:36 24/05/2012 Wednesday night/Thursday morning...

A token sit of just a few seconds really. Tired out. I did a bit of leg stretching yoga beforehand.


02:37 23/05/2012 Tuesday night...

Tired, tired, and a bit drunk. So a token sit is all I do. Woozy. Not very pleasant. Mostly because of being tired I think, although I would probably have woken up a bit if I hadn't had a glass of wine. Anyway, it didn't last long. I'm not playing the time game here. It's fine. Quite impressed in fact that I managed to remember to sit - to bother to sit - despite the alcohol. Establishing a habit is the main thing right now.


07:12 22/05/2012 Late Monday night...

Another sit, for 20 minutes or so. Quite turbulent in the brain today, and when disturbing thoughts came up I noticed my eyes moving about and my attention becoming 'choppy'. At another point I remembered a past lover, and how, when we met, our hearts - our chests - seemed to open into each other. I sat with the memory of that feeling. It was nice to feel my heart being open. At the end of the session I made my customary dedication and felt a little bit of the release up through my spine that I would normally feel during that dedication. Noticing the relationship between the mental and the physical. As that physical release happened I mentally let go of all the struggle of the session, and let go of any benefit I thought might have come from it, and sat alone after all that had gone. Realised (of course!) that I don't need any of that stuff. That I am actually better off without it. I sit because I think it might do me good, and I clutch after good feelings of various kinds, either for their own sake or as confirmatory signs that I am 'doing it right', but in fact, they are all a bit less than they seem to promise, and having these good feelings makes me subtly anxious that I'll lose them again, so it is in fact a relief to let go of it all and be alone with whatever is there. Words, words, words... It's OK. A good session.

It really is good that I'm doing this. And good to be documenting the process. I may not need any of the things I think I need from meditating, but I sure as hell find what I do need through the practice.


04:26 21/05/2012 Late Sunday night...

Well I put it off and put it off, but I did it. I sat for a while. It was OK in fact. There were moments of humour. Just remembering things or fantasising. It was OK. Actually I like the way my mind flows when left to its own devices like that. I did notice how grumbly my belly is though. I hope it settles down.


02:31 21/05/2012 Sunday night...

This diary space is for me to write whatever I want after meditation sessions. I have found in the past that it can be a help to read what I wrote immediately after meditating. I suppose it connects me to the state of mind I was in at the time of writing, so it can help me to get back into that frame of mind. I'm not expressing that very clearly but anyway it can be helpful so that's what I'm going to do.

I've decided to meditate every evening for a while. For three months to start with. My life always seems to go much better if I'm meditating regularly, and I haven't been lately. It's a funny business. It's the easiest thing in the world to do and yet when I'm a long time out of the habit it feels like going to the dentist to simply sit on a cushion and do nothing. (Sorry, all you dentists out there.) Perhaps I get into the habit of not looking at myself and then imagine there is some reason why I'm not looking - as if there were something scary to see there, or as if I think I may not like what I see 'in the mirror'. In any case, one thing I have learned is that the best way to see what is driving my sub-optimum behaviour is to simply do the right thing. It can be a little stressful to do that but it is the best way I know to put into sharp relief what is going on internally. So, I don't know why I have been avoiding sitting meditation for the past year or so but I'm going to start again anyway and perhaps all will become clear in due course.




Copyright 2012 Paul Mackilligin